It's Not About Them

A house can revolve completely around a child, and the child won't feel it as pressure. It's just how the world works to him. He gets the final say, the day runs on his schedule, and the adults rearrange themselves around it. That's not being spoiled. It's learning, without anyone saying it, that his time and feelings count for more than everyone else's.

That's where entitlement actually comes from. Not from stuff. From never once bumping into the fact that other people are as real as you are.

None of this is ancient wisdom, either. The kid-centered house is about as old as the minivan. For most of history kids got folded into adult life and learned to be people by being around people who already were. We built the other thing in about two generations.

A kid only learns other people are real by living somewhere it's obviously true. A lot of the time that means pulling them into your life rather than keeping them at arm's length from it. I mountain bike, so my kids mountain bike. Today the whole family went to the bike park and spent the afternoon running laps on the pump track, all of us on our own bikes. I didn't build that day around entertaining them. I did the thing I already love, and they came along and got to be part of it. My daughter's a rider because she's been on trips with me, not because I scheduled a kid activity.

And then last Thursday I went riding with a friend and out to dinner after, just the two of us. No kids, no wife. That's the same lesson from the other side. They get brought into a lot of my life, and some of it stays mine, and both of those teach the thing I'm after: you're loved, and you're not the only one here who matters. We're good at the first half of that. We've gone nervous about the second.

A kid who never sees his parents want anything for themselves has no idea what adulthood is for. The life you keep isn't taken from him. It's what you're leaving him.